this old dog

emotions recap.

I’ve been feeling a lot lately and I think writing about it will help me process it.

So I recently graduated high school which came with its own set of feelings, pressures, anxieties, worries etc. that I have yet to process till now. Throughout the entire graduation I felt sort of out of body. As I sat next two of my classmates who I’ve spoken less than two sentences too my entire four years I felt very anxious but also joyous. I felt so much love and joy for all of us as we sat in our caps and gowns getting ready to close this chapter of our lives. I never would’ve expected to feel the sense of community that I felt that day, when for so long I felt so small in the sea of people and personalities at my school. I watched as people walked across the stage and loud eruptions of celebration and love outpoured from the crowd and my classmates as those we loved walked across the stage. A moment I’ll never forget is as my row walked into the gym a boy who sat one seat down for me began to tear when he saw all the people who had come to cheer him and the rest of us on. He quietly whispered to himself something along the lines of , “ damn does this feel good.” I nodded and smiled at him as it all began to sink in. He was right it did feel good. After grad was project graduation which had it ups and down but overall was fun so the night ended with me feeling very happy and loved.

That same week on Saturday was my grad party which was filled with even more family and love. As well as a strange undertone of sadness which crept up on me unexpectedly. The night played out the same way Pierre family parties usually do until it was time to cut the cake. Unknown to me, people wanted to give speeches telling me and my twin how proud they were of us. As my 14 year old cousin gave a speech a wave of sadness came over me. As I stood in front of my cake I began to sob. I ran to my cousin and hugged her and my mother tightly. People began to aww and hug me and reassure me that I would be fine. But honestly as I reflect on what I felt in that moment I realize it was deeper than sadness. Finally after weeks of feeling frankly nothing about graduating and going to college in LONDON it hit me. I was going to leave all the family and friends that have shaped me into who I am today and I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it without them. I wouldn’t have my twin, family, friends, familiar places, streets, smells, sounds, etc. everything would be foreign. I thankfully already passed the fear/anxiety stage so I wasn’t really afraid of leaving but I had not properly mourned what I was leaving which is why I think the sadness hit me so hard. The night went on and concluded as if I didn’t just cry all over the cake people were eating.¹ We laughed and partied until late in the night and then we went to bed. That night and for the nights that followed I thought about the feeling that came over me still unsure if it was sadness or something deeper. All I know is that I’ve never physically felt so much emotion. I don’t know if that fact scares me as I approach this new chapter or assures me that my body not only is open but ready for the change and journey I’m about to embark on.

this old dog ain’t about to forget all we’ve had and all that’s next- mac demarco <3

1. (i didn’t cry ON the cake just over!)