this shit been on my mind recently
When I write I am my most honest and vulnerable. This is because writing is permanent. I love the permanence of writing. Conversations, passing thoughts, even things you hear or think of constantly are fleeting. Things that are written last forever. You may hear something profound and forget it the next day but if you read something and forget it, the writing is always there for you to go back to as a reminder.
I never really1 considered myself an indecisive person but that was probably because I am indecisive about my own decisiveness. My problem with decisions is two fold. One, you don’t know whether a decision was a right choice until you make it. Second, once a decision is made and you inevitably regret said decision you have no one to blame but yourself. I also struggle with the permanence of decisions. My least favorite thing people say to me when I have to make a decisions is “I can’t decide for you.” WHICH IS FALSE. They very much can decide for me and if that decision is the worst choice ever made I can blame/resent them for the rest of my life. Fully taking any responsibility and blame off of myself. I digress tho because I know the logical reasons why that shouldn’t happen etc. etc. My last problem with decisions is there need to be shared. There are only so few decisions that are personally yours and yours alone. So many things people decide on affect friends, family, environment, income, etc. and once a decision is made it is open to public opinion whether it be positive or negative. I wish you could decide something and whether people accept or hate your decisions they could do so quietly in the privacy of their own homes.
I am turning 18 in 10 days. I’ve been afraid of turning 18 my whole life. For as long as I can remember my mom has joked about how when I turn 18 she would kick me out of my house and I basically have to start fending for myself. She joked that turning 18 was basically the end of my youth and that there would be no more time for the childish behaviors, mistakes, games, friends etc . that I was use to. Unknown to her that may have taken a small toll on me psychologically and the deep fear i had as I grew up and got closer to 18. BUTTT i am fine now dw. My fear of 18 peaked when I turned 17 last year. I had many panic attacks about how the end of my youth was imminent (1 yr away) coupled with stress from growing up (college stress, my purpose in life etc.) I realize now 10 days before the alleged “end times” that a bitch is MAD DRAMATIC. Although I do still struggle with the idea of losing my youth and the childlike innocence and joy that came along with it I realize everyone needs to grow up and become aware of the world. As I get older I realize that with age comes the ability to comprehend things better and just think more critically and deeply about things you never would have seen as a child. ( fucking nerd.. girl is excited to get older so she can think more.) I strongly believe I will continue to have these world shattering breakdowns as I reach different milestone ages such as 21, 25, 30 etc. But I hope reading this will remind me to not be so afraid. I recently saw this quote I hope to remember that said, “ How wonderful, to be at all! My tender heart is bruised, how lucky I am to have one in the first place.”
Experiencing life at all whether that be a 4 or 25 is a blessing. Remember to appreciate all stages of being.
anyway leave like or comment if you have any thoughts on anything I wrote. it’s also because it’s the only way I know if anyone actually reads this lol.
<3
“never really” another sprinkle of indecisiveness. Either you have or you haven’t babe pick a side smh.